Black and Red (Negro y rojo)

My two favorite colors are not royal purple and silver, anymore. They are now black and red. The sudden change is based on my feelings as of the moment. The black represents the pain that so many have caused me. It is a pain that so many have promised not to cause me. It is a pain that so many have made me trust would never be there. It is a pain that I fell into again and again. It is, also, a pain that I allowed to come upon myself.

I trusted them when they painted these pictures of love and freedom upon my heart and mind. I trusted that it wouldn't just be some sort of unwanted graffiti that would be there permanently even long after they had walked away. I trusted that they wouldn't walk away. They promised me forever as friends and three of them promised me forever as romantic relationships, but none of them ever meant it. Had I known that they had never meant it, then I would have never allowed them into my life or into my inner-circle.

I want to apologize to my inner-child for allowing him to be abused and for allowing myself to get into situations where I could be hurt, taken advantage of, and thrown away, but my inner-child has been so badly beaten that he probably wouldn't even respond to it or know that it was being said. He has been the one to receive the most pain. He has been the one to almost get killed. He has been the one that all of them have hurt ever so much. He has been the one that they disowned like he was nothing more than a piece of garbage.

The fact that my second favorite color is red is because of the hatred that is now held in my heart towards all who walk my path... save one. I feel that I can't trust most people. I feel that most of them are out to hurt everybody else that they come into contact with. I feel that most people would do anything just to have what they want for what little time that they want it, and that when they decide that they no longer want it... Well... whatever it is gets thrown to the wind and forgotten about like a particle of sand on the beach (you remember the sand as a collective group, but nobody remembers any one single particle... even the one that gets stuck under your nail and causes you pain or annoyance is soon forgotten about after it is removed). I hate that people would do that to another human being. I guess that we are all supposed to be like that, but the only problem is that the mentality is not within me. I can not walk away from a person as though they were never important enough to save. The lack of my ability to do this is what will kill me in the end... as it has killed some friends of mine.

I will no longer give anybody the time of day. I will no longer give them the smile that they want to receive. I will no longer accept a person as a possible relationship or even friendship. I will not be accepting of anybody as anything to my life, for it is better to preserve your own life than it is to try to find somebody else worth spending your life with. Kelly, Maggie, and Michael have all taught me that valuable lesson. Give and it shall be given unto you? Bah! Don't give a darn and you won't have worry about whether anybody else gives a darn or not. Hate and you will at least have control of your own emotions... unless you give them permission to have control of you.

(Oh yeah... I thought that the fact that I woke up today with a large horizontal gash around a half of an inch down from my left nipple to be quite interesting. The more interesting thing was that there weren't any bloody knives around me. I have no idea what happened there... I don't even know whether it was self-inflicted. A part of me does hope that I have resorted to cutting myself while I sleep, though. Maybe I could kill myself while I slept, as well. [I am too much of a pansy to kill to myself while I am awake.])